In Australia on Sunday, we celebrated Father’s Day, acknowledging the huge impact our fathers have on our lives.
For some that means being treated like a princess, the apple of daddy’s eye. Dad checking out any potential partners to make sure they are good enough for his little girl! It might have meant he was more influential in how we see ourselves and others than we realise. Looking for others to treat us the same and put us on a pedestal too.
For others their dad showed their love by providing. By working extra jobs, hours and shifts to make sure his children had what they needed and more than what he ever had. It might have led to him coming home tired and emotionally vacant as he scarified all of whom he was to be the provider. It might have been coupled with mum telling us to behave because daddy home and he’s tired and we need to leave him alone to rest and recoup before he heads back out – whether that’s out to work or to play.
Or perhaps dad was absent – working away, having left, or even died when we were young making us wonder what we did to make him not want to hang around.
Regardless of our relationship with our dad, even the most loving one, can lead to the father wound. In the HeartHealing® I’ve been doing I’ve found father figures are coming up a lot at the moment. Dads that love us BUT leave us feeling confused and not enough with their actions or words.
The dads who love us BUT don’t stand up for us when we expect them to
The dads who love us BUT say things that they think are funny but in fact hurt us deeply
The dads who love us BUT who decided to take on the role of provider at the expense of spending time with us
The dads who love us BUT whose expectations we could never live up to
The dads who love us BUT who instilled a standard in us that no-one could ever meet leaving us feeling lonely and disconnected from others.
Our fathers are authority figures and the wounds from these relationships can run deep.
Some of the ways it can show up for you as a leaders is:
Not owning your expertise and your brilliance. Always feeling like someone has more authority than you, knows more/better than you do.
Unable to speak up for yourself: Believing you need to be taken care of, that you are not strong enough, or capable to take care of yourself and ask for what you need.
Seeking validation. Never feeling like you can trust yourself. Looking for approval of your ideas and thoughts before making decisions.
Dimming your light: Sitting in the background, waiting for permission, having others take your ideas and visions and making them their own.
Not rocking the boat: Putting up with unacceptable behaviour, making excuses and/or adopting the norms of the group, even when they are different to your own.
Keeping your distance: Forming professional relationships but not deeply connected relationships with your peers that allow you to be vulnerable and seek support from them.
It’s our primary relationships that have the most impact on what we believe and why we do the things we do. As children we see things through a different lens than we do as an adult. When we go back and unpack those childhood beliefs and heal the wounds of these relationships, we open ourselves up to new and different ways of doing things.
It’s not only about thinking our way to our future, but healing our way there too.
Like my recent client who completed a powerful HeartHealing® session with her dad only to have him send her a birthday card with the exact words she needed to hear! Or another who spent some time with her dad after doing a HeartHealing® session and was able to feel so much love for him that was no longer contaminated by the feelings of betrayal. Both, freeing themselves up to new experiences and new beliefs about themselves and what is possible for them.
This is the powerful work as leaders we need to be brave enough to do. The work that sets us free from the old hurts and self-sabotaging behaviours that don’t allow us to be all that we can be. It’s the work we need to do grow into the women we need to become to make the impact we’re here to make.
It's our time and its time to step up to the challenge!
PS want to know more about HeartHealing® or experience it for yourself? Check it out here.
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